Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
