my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
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