it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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