Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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