Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Randomize
