first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Randomize
