Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
