Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
