1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Randomize
