So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
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