Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
