omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
there is puke in my bra ... again
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