through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Randomize
