i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
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