hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Randomize
