Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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