so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
