All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
