I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
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