I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
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