I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Randomize
