that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
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