Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
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