my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
