Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Randomize
