Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
