Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
So much rum. So many feels.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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