its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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