everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
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