You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
You're breaking my sexual little heart
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
