evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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