nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
