yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
