I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
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