my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
