You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
Randomize
