You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Randomize
