I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
you had me at cake vodka
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Randomize
