You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
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