My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
