he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
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