I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Randomize
