I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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