the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
