just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
