The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Randomize
