There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Be still, my beating vagina.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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