glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
