Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
