I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
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