one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Even the bartender felt bad for me
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
